this, i know

i will be the first to tell you that there are a lot of things that i do not know. 

in fact, the more i think i know, the more i realize i do not know.  

a mentor of mine once described this phenomenon as slowly opening a door in that as you push it open inch by inch your brain receives only fragments or pieces of what is fully there. you think you know what is there, until you push further and realize you hadnt the slightest idea and therefore pursue other ideas until you understand more, then the picture changes again and the entire process is repeated. only until the door is completely open do you see the whole picture. not before, and not even during. 

so i wonder, on a quest for knowledge, is there ever an end? or, a completely open door? i would like to think that unlike a board game, where one is twisted, turned, pushed down shoots and up ladders, there is no true "finish" line to arrive upon. you should know by now that my quest for knowledge is not strictly (or even loosely) limited to knowledge itself or knowledge for knowledge's sake. i mean understanding. knowing. learning. growing. and most specifically, the knowledge of the Holy. my faith would be obsolete if i trusted in a god i could fully understand. in fact, i dont want there to be a finish line of any kind in figuring out my Maker. 

but that doesnt mean i stop playing. 

for some people, playing a game is only worth playing if it can be defeated...if there is a score to be tallied, a medal to be won, a prize to seek after, or a buzzer-shot to be had. i, on the odd other hand, prefer a game to be played where the entire purpose is to play. put me on an intramural field where a score is kept and i freeze (or get sent to the hospital). place me in a backyard volleyball court with friends and i flourish. i might even go for a spike. card games aside, i would rather play just to play than to win. call me non-competitive, and i will agree with you, but i will also explain that i enjoy these things more when the pressure to perform is off. what i am really trying to say here is that i see more purpose in playing than i do winning. and actually have more fun (aka get more out of it) that way. especially if we will revisit the analogy of a board-game-quest for knowledge, and even more so if we are talking about a knowledge or understanding of our Maker. just because a designated end is not attainable does not and should not mean that believers should give up the journey. 

so then, what is the goal? 

i would think it would be to keep pushing the door. 

ok, i know i might have offended several people in taking all the fun out of winning a game, so i will try to redeem myself in saying that the professional athletes, talented actors and actresses, and even gifted (insert quite literally anything), that we all admire or respect did not get to where they are by giving up or in. they play to win. take the olympics for example. of all those that compete in one particular event, 99% of them will not get the coveted gold medal. yet, all those who enter this competition are fully aware of the fact. and still enter. still they compete. still they try. they push. i do not think an athlete exists who will wake up one morning and declare, "today, i have reached my capacity, i am the best i will ever be, and i am done. finished." ok, there might. but if they truly believed that and stopped their training, they would quickly realize that even one day out of practice will affect their game, their pursuit. it might actually end their pursuit altogether. maybe not drastically at first, but again, that one degree will sneak up on you (see previous entry). 

i hope i am making sense.

let me try to tie it all together: i was attacked today.

spiritually, speaking.

and i began to believe the lies. lies...meaning, not truth. untruth. the lies that deviate one degree from precious, life-bearing truth. lies that were i to verbalize would even sound so ridiculously far from truth that i would feel stupid doing so, yet, i was afraid to do such in fear that i might be wrong. isnt it remarkable(ly horrifying) that we are so willing to believe junk about ourselves? even if deep down we know they arent true? so after realizing i was falling into this pit, i called for backup. my insula. and i was prayed for. Truth was spoken over me. 

in the presence of Truth, there is no room for its opposer. 

Truth brings hope. 

Truth brings meaning. 

Truth gives reason to continue training when an end seems nowhere near. 

you see, i had not been in the Word (aka straight-up Truth) in a while. so untruth at the time seemed more real. i had stopped my training. i had reached my so-called "capacity" for the week, and felt that i was good. yet my tears would tell you otherwise. 

i had stopped pushing the door, satisfied with merely a partial picture of the prize behind it. 

after being prayed over, i decided that i had had a night, and took a shower so i could get ready for bed. and i, like most who arent afraid to admit it, really enjoy singing in the shower. and the first words that came out of my mouth tonight were the three words i had needed to hear all along. words so True that i was actually surprised that they came from within me. these words brought so much Truth in with them in fact, that all the untruth scurried back into the depths of the shadows. three words i need to be reminded of daily. words that had been buried in my heart and now released. words of value in not only in message, but also in full weight of meaning. 

for this, i know...

Jesus loves me. 

and it is on this Truth that i continue my pursuit. because He has not given up on me. because of Him there is hope. there is purpose. there is meaning. there is LIFE. and because He loves me, i get to spend eternity pursuing Him to find out why.